I’m getting ready to fly off to Los Angeles and spend a few days relaxing, beach bumming and have important thoughts like:

1. Will I ever find my long lost Archie comic books from middle school?

2. When will I finally finish this damn manuscript?

3. Why can’t we ever get along?

4. Did I ever really love her?

5. Who the fuck ate my Dreyer’s Butterfingers ice cream?

6. No, seriously. I live alone. Who ate my ice cream?

7. Is there a disturbed vagrant living in the storage room that I never check and comes out at night to eat my food and watches me while I sleep?

8. I really should check my storage room.

9. Okay, I almost shot a life-size Santa lawn decoration with my AR-15.

10. Wait, what if the Santa ornament comes to life at night and is the one responsible for these mysterious nocturnal activities?

11. Actually, I just saw the ice cream (melted) in my cooler. I had forgotten that I packed it during my fishing trip last week.

12. Did you ever love me?